Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive controlling behavior by one empowered domestic partner over another partner, in which abusive behavior such as the threat of physical violence is employed to control the behaviors and actions of the other disempowered partner.
Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of coercive controlling behavior because the relationship is characterized by increasingly violent and controlling behavior of an extended length of time, normalizing the behavior until both the victim and the abuser become accustomed to the power dynamics of the relationship. Abuse suffered by the victim is not provoked, but rather a symptom of the abuser’s emotional and psychological disorder.
While a boarder definition of violence occurring in the domestic sphere can include elder abuse and child abuse, domestic violence refers specifically to the various forms of abusive behavior by one empowered domestic partner against a disempowered partner.
Types of Domestic Violence
Abusive partners can employ a variety of tactics to control their partners, including:
As technology plays an increasing role in our lives, the impact of abuse has exponentially increased, thanks to abusers utilizing smartphones and the internet to extend their control over a partner. Social media, GPS tracking, instant text messaging, online banking and other aspects of our digital lives can further the various types of domestic violence.
Signs of Domestic Violence
An abusive partner may exhibit any or all of the following signs:
Stereotypes:
MYTH: A victim of domestic abuse can easily escape their situation by leaving the relationship.
Abusers go to great lengths to ensure their partner is forced to stay in the relationship by controlling their partner’s movements, isolating them from their support networks such as family and friends, controlling their partner’s access to finances and resources, turning the community against the victim, or telling the victim the police won’t help them or will blame the victim for the abuse, and even threatening the safety of the children should the victim leave. Even if a victim escapes the immediate situation, the most dangerous time for a victim is immediately after they have left the relationship or escaped the physical confines of the home. Once the abusive partner senses their control slipping, the risk of a victim being killed by their abuser increases significantly. Abusers will often stalk and continue to threaten their partners long after the victim has escaped. Victims living free of the immediate abuse are often faced with poverty, homelessness, and are entirely without a support system, due to the abuser controlling their finances and isolating them from their families.
MYTH: Domestic violence only happens to emotionally weak individuals.
Because abusers rely on a pattern of control, victims of chronic abuse are often manipulated into believing that they deserve it or that they are to blame for it. Abusive partners are loving and attentive to their partners as they establish control, often in small and unnoticeable ways, such as requesting they spend more time with their domestic partner than out with friends, or gently chastising their partner’s interests, appearance or values. As the relationship progresses, the abuse becomes a normal and sometimes even accepted part of the relationship, and the abuser manipulates the victim into believing that it will be difficult or impossible to leave the relationship. The abuser will use psychological tactics to encourage the victim to want to remain in the relationship, including bonds of affection established in the early part of the relationship. An abusive relationship can be seen as a slow-closing trap, a mind-game played by the abuser, or brainwashing. It is not a matter of the weak-willed or even eager individual blindly or foolishly stumbling into an abusive relationship.
MYTH: Men can’t really be victims of domestic violence.
In actuality, 1 in 7 men will experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime. In heterosexual couples, female abusers tend to employ emotional and psychological abuse to control her partner, which is more difficult to document than physical abuse. In homosexual couples, male abusers are likely to be as physically abusive to their partners as heterosexual male abusers against female victims. Regardless of the form of abuse or the type of relationship, male victims are less likely to report the abuse out of embarrassment or shame, or fear their gender will limit access to shelter and services.
MYTH: Domestic violence occurs primarily among the poor and uneducated, ethnic minorities, particular religious communities, or among certain sexual partnerships.
Abuse occurs across all demographics, regardless of class, ethnicity, gender identification and sexual orientation, religion or culture. Both abusers and victims come from every demographic, undermining the long-held belief that domestic violence is related to cultural beliefs or values. While domestic violence does occur most often between a male abuser and a female victim, it is only by joining together that we can work to significantly reduce the impact of domestic violence in our communities and in the lives of those we love.
MYTH: Domestic violence is caused by alcoholism and drug abuse.
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behavior, with the abuser wanting to gain power and control over their domestic partner. Abusers often blame their behavior on alcohol or drugs, and while this can make the abuse worse, it is not the main cause of abuse. Substance abuse should be understood as a separate problem.
MYTH: In some cases the abuse is provoked or justified.
Domestic violence or any form of abuse against someone you love is never justified. Abusers desire control and look for opportunities to exert their control. Inflicting pain through physical or emotional violence is a punitive consequence of the victim failing to behave as the abuser desires or expects. In some situations, the abusive partner intends for the victim to test set boundaries or fail expectations, allowing the abuser to punish their partner and thus reassert their dominance. It is never the fault of the victim. Shifting the blame for the abuse to the victim reduces the significance of domestic violence as an extensive social problem that requires our attention.
MYTH: Abusers are easy to identify and avoid.
A common misconception about abusers is that they are visibly aggressive, given to fits of anger, mistreat their partners in public, and are disliked by their community. There are rarely any external signs that a potential partner will be abusive. Partners begin to exhibit abusive behavior in small attempts to control their partner; it is only after abusers establish their control over an extended period of time that their violent behavior increases. In public, abusive partners remain charming and pleasant, and do not act aggressively at work or in other relationships. Witnesses may be entirely unaware that someone they love is suffering from an abusive relationship. To protect yourself from an abusive relationship, learn the early warning signs of coercive control and abusive behavior.
Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of coercive controlling behavior because the relationship is characterized by increasingly violent and controlling behavior of an extended length of time, normalizing the behavior until both the victim and the abuser become accustomed to the power dynamics of the relationship. Abuse suffered by the victim is not provoked, but rather a symptom of the abuser’s emotional and psychological disorder.
While a boarder definition of violence occurring in the domestic sphere can include elder abuse and child abuse, domestic violence refers specifically to the various forms of abusive behavior by one empowered domestic partner against a disempowered partner.
Types of Domestic Violence
Abusive partners can employ a variety of tactics to control their partners, including:
- Physical abuse, which involves hitting, strangling, punching, restraining the victim, and throwing things. Less traditional forms of physical abuse can include controlling access to food, medication, healthcare and health devices such as hearing aids or wheelchairs, or any other action which threatens or directly reduces the victim’s physical well-being.
- Sexual abuse, which includes forcing a partner to participate in non-consensual sexual acts, sexual acts which the partner is uncomfortable participating in, controlling reproductive health, and rape.
- Emotional abuse includes withholding emotional and physical comfort, name-calling and social humiliation, and other acts which intentionally lower the victim’s self-esteem.
- Psychological abuse, which involves mind games, encouraging a partner to think they are mentally unstable, isolation from friends and family, controlling a partner’s social sphere or social interactions, monitoring their online and offline behaviors and movements, and any other behavior which is intended to induce fear in the partner.
- Economic abuse, which can include controlling the a partner’s finances, access to their bank or personal resources, requiring family earnings to be pooled and regulated by the abuser, refusing to allow the partner to work or interfering with their occupation, forcing the partner to make financial decisions which will result in unshared debt, taking out loans or credit unbeknownst to the partner in their name, and any other act which requires the victim to be financially dependent on the abuser.
As technology plays an increasing role in our lives, the impact of abuse has exponentially increased, thanks to abusers utilizing smartphones and the internet to extend their control over a partner. Social media, GPS tracking, instant text messaging, online banking and other aspects of our digital lives can further the various types of domestic violence.
Signs of Domestic Violence
An abusive partner may exhibit any or all of the following signs:
- Often losing their temper, or creating a sense of intense discomfort and anxiety
- Behaving in an over-protective or jealous manner
- Physically abusing you, such as hitting, punching, strangling, slapping, kicking, shoving, or biting you
- Threatening to hurt you, those you love or themselves as a means of getting what they want
- Constantly demanding to know (in person or via technology) where you are, whom you are with, and controlling when you can interact with other people
- Destroying your personal property or throwing things around
- Controlling how you dress or how you look
- Withholding medication, denying you access to health care, or threatening to share your personal medial history
- Intentionally acting in a way that forces you to question your mental health
- Refusing to allow you to access your own bank account or forcing you to account for how you spend your money
- Threatening to report you to the police, threatening your citizenship status, threatening to have you deported, or denying you access to your citizenship / immigration papers
- Forcing you to perform sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or forcing you into having sex against your will, or sharing sexual information or materials such as photos and videos without your permission
- Continuously humiliating or embarrassing you in front of other people or in private
- Exploiting their status in the community – with police, the fire department, the military, or a religious organization - to prevent you from leaving
- Preventing you from completing your work, showing up at your place of work, intimidating your co-workers or expressing intense jealousy about the time you spend at work
- Hurting or threatening to hurt pets
Stereotypes:
MYTH: A victim of domestic abuse can easily escape their situation by leaving the relationship.
Abusers go to great lengths to ensure their partner is forced to stay in the relationship by controlling their partner’s movements, isolating them from their support networks such as family and friends, controlling their partner’s access to finances and resources, turning the community against the victim, or telling the victim the police won’t help them or will blame the victim for the abuse, and even threatening the safety of the children should the victim leave. Even if a victim escapes the immediate situation, the most dangerous time for a victim is immediately after they have left the relationship or escaped the physical confines of the home. Once the abusive partner senses their control slipping, the risk of a victim being killed by their abuser increases significantly. Abusers will often stalk and continue to threaten their partners long after the victim has escaped. Victims living free of the immediate abuse are often faced with poverty, homelessness, and are entirely without a support system, due to the abuser controlling their finances and isolating them from their families.
MYTH: Domestic violence only happens to emotionally weak individuals.
Because abusers rely on a pattern of control, victims of chronic abuse are often manipulated into believing that they deserve it or that they are to blame for it. Abusive partners are loving and attentive to their partners as they establish control, often in small and unnoticeable ways, such as requesting they spend more time with their domestic partner than out with friends, or gently chastising their partner’s interests, appearance or values. As the relationship progresses, the abuse becomes a normal and sometimes even accepted part of the relationship, and the abuser manipulates the victim into believing that it will be difficult or impossible to leave the relationship. The abuser will use psychological tactics to encourage the victim to want to remain in the relationship, including bonds of affection established in the early part of the relationship. An abusive relationship can be seen as a slow-closing trap, a mind-game played by the abuser, or brainwashing. It is not a matter of the weak-willed or even eager individual blindly or foolishly stumbling into an abusive relationship.
MYTH: Men can’t really be victims of domestic violence.
In actuality, 1 in 7 men will experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime. In heterosexual couples, female abusers tend to employ emotional and psychological abuse to control her partner, which is more difficult to document than physical abuse. In homosexual couples, male abusers are likely to be as physically abusive to their partners as heterosexual male abusers against female victims. Regardless of the form of abuse or the type of relationship, male victims are less likely to report the abuse out of embarrassment or shame, or fear their gender will limit access to shelter and services.
MYTH: Domestic violence occurs primarily among the poor and uneducated, ethnic minorities, particular religious communities, or among certain sexual partnerships.
Abuse occurs across all demographics, regardless of class, ethnicity, gender identification and sexual orientation, religion or culture. Both abusers and victims come from every demographic, undermining the long-held belief that domestic violence is related to cultural beliefs or values. While domestic violence does occur most often between a male abuser and a female victim, it is only by joining together that we can work to significantly reduce the impact of domestic violence in our communities and in the lives of those we love.
MYTH: Domestic violence is caused by alcoholism and drug abuse.
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behavior, with the abuser wanting to gain power and control over their domestic partner. Abusers often blame their behavior on alcohol or drugs, and while this can make the abuse worse, it is not the main cause of abuse. Substance abuse should be understood as a separate problem.
MYTH: In some cases the abuse is provoked or justified.
Domestic violence or any form of abuse against someone you love is never justified. Abusers desire control and look for opportunities to exert their control. Inflicting pain through physical or emotional violence is a punitive consequence of the victim failing to behave as the abuser desires or expects. In some situations, the abusive partner intends for the victim to test set boundaries or fail expectations, allowing the abuser to punish their partner and thus reassert their dominance. It is never the fault of the victim. Shifting the blame for the abuse to the victim reduces the significance of domestic violence as an extensive social problem that requires our attention.
MYTH: Abusers are easy to identify and avoid.
A common misconception about abusers is that they are visibly aggressive, given to fits of anger, mistreat their partners in public, and are disliked by their community. There are rarely any external signs that a potential partner will be abusive. Partners begin to exhibit abusive behavior in small attempts to control their partner; it is only after abusers establish their control over an extended period of time that their violent behavior increases. In public, abusive partners remain charming and pleasant, and do not act aggressively at work or in other relationships. Witnesses may be entirely unaware that someone they love is suffering from an abusive relationship. To protect yourself from an abusive relationship, learn the early warning signs of coercive control and abusive behavior.
Teen Dating Violence
Teen Dating Violence (TDV) is a pattern of behavior that includes physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse used by one person in an intimate relationship to exert power and control over another. TDV occurs without respect to age, race, religion, socioeconomic status and sexual orientation. Statistics show that children who experience domestic violence are at greater risk of becoming a victim or perpetrator of bullying. Those children are also at greater risk of being in an unhealthy teen dating relationship and teens that experience dating violence are at greater risk of experiencing domestic violence in adulthood.
Signs of Teen Dating Violence
An abusive teen partner can exhibit any or all of these signs:
Signs of Teen Dating Violence
An abusive teen partner can exhibit any or all of these signs:
- Constantly demanding to know (in person or via technology) where you are, whom you are with, and controlling when you can interact with other people
- Behaving in an over-protective of jealous manner
- Controlling how you dress or how you look
- Often losing their temper, or creating a sense of intense discomfort and anxiety
- Threatening to “dump” you or embarrass you as a means of getting what they want
- Threatening to hurt themselves as a means of getting what they want
- Destroying your personal property or throwing things around
- Emotionally abusing you by constantly putting you down, negatively comparing you to other people, or insisting they’d love you more if you’d only change this or that about yourself
- Physically abusing you, such as hitting, punching, strangling, slapping, kicking, shoving, or biting you
- Telling you that your crazy and encouraging you to question your mental health
- Forcing you to perform sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or have sex against your will, or sharing sexual information or materials such as photos and videos without your permission
- Continuously humiliating or embarrassing you in front of other people or in private
- Exploiting their status among your peer group – with friends, peers, social clubs, etc – to prevent you from leaving
- Preventing you from completing your school work, showing up at your house or hang-out spots, intimidating your friends or expressing intense jealousy about the time you spend with friends.
- Making false accusations about you to others to control how they feel about you and interact with you
Children Witnessing Domestic Violence
Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including children. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally. Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent. Children are at a greater risk of abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Signs of a Child Witnessing Domestic Violence
Signs of a Child Witnessing Domestic Violence
- Children may exhibit a variety of signs which suggest something violent is occurring in the home:
- Exhibiting excessive worry, tension or fear
- Exhibiting troubling thoughts they are unable to express or escape
- Experiencing panic attacks
- Experiencing nightmares or flashbacks of traumatic experiences
- Appearing emotionally numb or emotionally conflicted
- Expressing feelings of hopelessness, fear of abandonment or extremely low self-esteem
- Performing poorly in school or other social activities
- Displaying hyperactivity
- Bullying others, engage in risky, hostile or self-damaging behavior
- Blaming themselves for the abuse
- Feeling ashamed for loving the abuser
