​Safety Planning

Trained responders at our Hotline are available 24/7 to help you create the safety plan best suited to your situation. We can be reached 24/7 at (845) 471-3033. 


​Safety While Living With An Abuser

Our thanks to womenslaw.org for compiling the following:
 
During the Violence

  • The abuser may have patterns to their abuse.  Try to be aware of any signs that show they are about to become violent so that you can assess how dangerous the situation may be for you and your children.
  • If it looks like violence may happen, try to remove yourself and your children from the situation before the violence begins if you can.
  • Be aware of anything the abuser can use as a weapon.  If you can, try and keep any sharp or heavy objects that they may use to hurt you out of the way.
  • Know where guns, knives, and other weapons are.  If you can, lock them up or make them as hard to get to as you can.
  • Figure out where the "safer places" are in your home – the places where there aren't weapons within arm's reach.  If it looks like the abuser is about to hurt you, try to get to a safer place.  Stay out of the kitchen, garage, workshop, or other room where items that can be used as weapons are kept.  Try to avoid rooms with tile or hardwood floors if possible.
  • If the abuser does start to harm you, don't run to where the children are; the abuser may hurt them too.
  • If there's no way to escape the violence at that moment, make yourself a small target.  Dive into a corner and curl up into a ball.  Protect your face and put your arms around each side of your head, wrapping your fingers together.
  • Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry.  The abuser could use these things to strangle you.
 
Talk with your Children

  • Create a plan with your children for when violence happens. Tell them not to get involved if the abuser is hurting you, as they might get hurt. Decide on a code word to let them know they should leave the house and get help.  If the abuser won’t let them leave the house safely, decide on a safe place for your children to go within the house where they can call for help (such as a room with a lock and a phone). Make sure they know that their first priority is to stay safe, not to physically protect you.
  • Practice different ways to get out of your house safely.  Practice with your children as well.
  • Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner about your plan or if your partner finds out about your plan some other way.
  • Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that the violence isn't their fault or your fault.  Tell them that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.
 
Ways to Get Help & Planning to Leave

  • Keep a copy of important papers with you, such as your and your children’s birth certificates, passports, immigration papers, and Social Security cards, in case you have to leave in a hurry.
  • If you can, always have a phone where you know you can get to it.  Know the numbers to call for help such as 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Know where the nearest pay phone is in case you have to run out of the home without your cell phone.  Know Grace Smith House’s 24-hour hotline number, (845) 471-3033.
  • Let friends and neighbors you trust know what is going on in your home.  Make a plan with them so that they know when you need help and what to do (such as calling the police or banging on your door).  Make up a signal with a trusted neighbor, like flashing the lights on and off or hanging something out the window, which will alert them that you need help.
  • Make backing the car into the driveway  (so you can quickly pull out) and having a full tank of gas a habit.  Keep your car keys in the same place so you can easily grab them.  If you would be leaving by yourself (if you don’t have children),  keep the driver's door unlocked and the other car doors locked so that you are prepared to make a quick escape if you have to.
  • If you can, call our 24-hour domestic violence hotline from time to time to discuss your options and to talk to someone who understands you, even if you feel that you are not ready to leave. 
  • Think of several reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night that the abuser will believe, in case you feel that the violence is about to erupt and you need an excuse to get out.
  • If you need help in a public place, yell "Fire!"  People respond more quickly to someone yelling "fire" than to any other cry for help.

Getting Ready To Leave

  • Make a plan for how you are going to leave, including where you're going to go, and how to cover your tracks.  Make one plan to leave the house at your convenience. Make another plan for if you have to leave the house in a hurry.
  • If you can, keep any evidence of the physical abuse and take it with you when you leave.  Make sure to keep this evidence in a safe place that the abuser will not find – this may mean that you have to keep it in a locked drawer at work or with a trusted family member.  If the abuser finds it, you could be in more danger. Such evidence of physical abuse might include:
    • Pictures you have of bruises or other injuries.  If possible, try to have these pictures dated
    • Torn or bloody clothing
    • Household objects that the abuser damaged or broke during a violent episode
    • Pictures that show your home destroyed or messed up after violence happened
    • Any records you have from doctors or the police that document the abuse
    • Whenever you are hurt, go to a doctor or to an emergency room as soon as possible if you can.  Tell them what happened.  Ask them to make a record of your visit and of what happened to you.  Be sure to get a copy of the record.
    • A journal that you may have kept with details about the abuse, which could help prove the abuse in court
    • Anything else you think could help show that you've been abused
    • If you have evidence of other types of abuse (threatening voicemails, text messages, emails, etc.), bring copies of those with you as well
  • Get a bag together that you can easily grab when you leave.  Some things to include in the bag are:
    • Spare car keys
    • Your driver's license
    • A list of your credit cards so that you can track any activity on them
    • Your checkbook
    • Money
    • Phone numbers for friends, relatives, doctors, schools, taxi services, and your local domestic violence organization
    • A change of clothing for you and your children
    • Any medication that you or your children usually take
    • Copies of your children's birth certificates, Social Security cards, school records and immunizations
    • Copies of legal documents for you and the abuser, such as Social Security cards, passports, green cards, medical records, insurance information, birth certificates, marriage license, wills, welfare identification information and copies of any court orders (such as your protection order or custody order)
    • Copies of financial documents for you and the abuser, such as pay stubs, bank account information, a list of credit cards you hold by yourself or together with the abuser
    • Any evidence you've been collecting to show that you've been abused
    • A few things you want to keep, like photographs, jewelry or other personal items
  • Hide this bag somewhere the abuser will not find it.  Try to keep it at the home of a trusted friend or neighbor.  Avoid using next-door neighbors, close family members, or mutual friends, since the abuser might be more likely to find it there.  If you're in an emergency situation and need to get out right away, don't worry about gathering these things.  While they're helpful to have, getting out safely should come first.
  • Hide an extra set of car keys in a place you can get to easily in case the abuser takes the car keys to prevent you from leaving.
  • Try to set money aside.  If the abuser controls the household money, this might mean that you can only save a few dollars per week; the most important thing is that you save whatever amount you can that will not tip off the abuser and put you in further danger.  You can ask trusted friends or family members to hold money for you so that the abuser cannot find it and/or use it.
  • If you have not worked outside of the home and worry about your ability to support yourself, try to get job skills by taking classes at a community college or a vocational school if you can.  This may help you to get a job either before or after you leave so that you won't need to be financially dependent on the abuser.
  • Leave when the abuser will least expect it.  This will give you more time to get away before the abuser realizes that you are gone.
  • If you have time to call the police before leaving, you can ask the police to escort you out of the house as you leave.  You can also ask them to be "on call" while you're leaving, in case you need help.  Not all police precincts will help you in these ways but you should not be afraid to ask. Police training now includes domestic violence awareness, and many of the police in Dutchess County are familiar with Grace Smith House.
 
Taking Your Children with You
  • If you plan on taking your children with you when you leave, it is generally best to talk to a lawyer who specializes in domestic violence and custody issues beforehand to make sure that you are not in danger of violating any court custody order you may have or any criminal parental kidnapping laws.  This is especially true if you want to leave the state with the children.  Read more about this under Parental Kidnapping.  Another resource may be the Legal Resource Center for Violence Against Women, which specializes in interstate custody matters for victims of abuse – they can provide legal information and referrals to pro bono attorneys who can help you figure out if leaving the state with your children would violate any criminal laws.
  • If you are considering leaving without your children, please talk to a lawyer who specializes in custody before doing this.  Leaving your children with an abuser may negatively affect your chances of getting custody of them in court later on. 
 
After You Leave
If you are fleeing to a confidential location and you fear that the abuser will go looking for you, you might want to create a false trail after you leave.
  • You could call motels, real estate agencies, schools, etc. in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to go.
  • Ask them questions that will require them to call you back.  Give them your old phone number (the number at the home you shared with the abuser, not the number to the place you are going).
However, do not make these phone calls before you leave.  If anyone calls you back while you are still with the abuser, or if the abuser is able to check your phone to see what numbers you have called, the abuser would be tipped off that you are preparing to leave, which could put you in great danger.

Ending An Abusive Relationship

When the Abuser has Permanently Moved Out

  • Change your locks so they can’t enter the home with their key – even if they left their key with you, they may have other copies that you don’t know about.  If you rent your home, you may have to talk to your landlord first before changing the lock. Put dead bolt locks on your doors.  If you can, replace any wood doors with steel or metal doors.  If you rent your home, be sure to talk to your landlord first before changing the doors. Consider installing a security system.
  • Try to make sure that the outside of your house is well-lit.  Think about getting a lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to the house (i.e. motion-sensitive lights).
  • Keep bushes, trees, and other plants around your house well-trimmed so you'll be able to see if someone approaches your home.   Trimmed bushes would also make it harder for the abuser to hide in the bushes without being seen by a passerby or neighbor.
  • Change your phone number.  Ask the telephone company to make your new number unlisted in the phonebook. Call the telephone company to request caller ID and to block unlisted calls so that you can see the number of anyone who calls you.  Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call someone else no one will learn your new, unlisted phone number.
  • Explain your situation to anyone who takes care of your children or anyone who picks them up from school.  If the abuser is not allowed to be near the children, let these people know this and give them a copy of your order of protection.
  • Take a different route to the grocery store, bank, restaurants, and any other place you go on a regular basis or find new ones to go to if you can. When you're taking the children to school, take different routes.  Avoid the route you took when you and the abuser were together.
  • Try not to travel alone.  Stay in public, well-lit places as much as you can. Avoid walking or jogging alone.
  • Keep a certified copy of your restraining order (order of protection) with you at all times, if you have one. Let friends, neighbors and employers know that you have a restraining order in effect and to let you know if they see the abuser around your home or work.  Give them a picture of your abuser if they don’t know what they look like. Give copies of your restraining order to your neighbors, employers and your children's schools.  Also give them a picture of the abuser.
  • If you feel that it would not negatively affect your job, you might want to tell people you work with about the situation.  See if a receptionist or someone else can screen your calls. If you can, change the hours that you work. 
  • Remember that you can call law enforcement if the abuser violates your restraining order.  If you don’t have a restraining order, you can still call the police if the abuser comes to your home uninvited.
  • Carry a cell phone if you can, but don't completely depend on this phone.  Cell phones may not get good service in some places, and batteries do run out. If you need help in a public place, yell "FIRE!"  People respond more quickly to someone yelling "fire" than to any other cry for help.
  • Stay in touch with Grace Smith House for support.
  • Get a full check-up with your doctor to see if you need any medical treatment.  Keep in mind that the abuser may not have been faithful and so you may want to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
 
When You Relocate to a Confidential Location

  • Whenever you have to give out your address (such as at a doctor’s office or with a magazine subscription), use an address that's different from the one where you're actually living.  For example, think about renting a P.O. Box from your post office or ask a friend if you can use her address. Be aware that addresses can be listed on restraining orders and police reports.  Before filling out your new address on any forms, ask if there's any way to keep your address confidential.  If not, see if you can use the P.O. Box or a friend’s address instead.
  • Ask the telephone company to make your new address and phone number unlisted in the phonebook. Call the telephone company to request caller ID and to block unlisted calls so that you can see the number of anyone who calls you. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call someone else no one will learn your new, unlisted phone number.
  • Be careful about ever giving out your new address and phone number.
  • Reschedule appointments that you made before leaving that the abuser may know about.
  • Change your locks so they can’t enter the home with their key – even if they left their key with you, they may have other copies that you don’t know about.  If you rent your home, you may have to talk to your landlord first before changing the lock. Put dead bolt locks on your door.  If you can, replace any wood doors with steel or metal doors.  If you rent your home, be sure to talk to your landlord first before changing the doors. Consider installing a security system.
  • Try to make sure that the outside of your house is well-lit.  Think about getting a lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to the house (i.e. motion-sensitive lights).
  • Keep bushes, trees, and other plants around your house well-trimmed.  That way, you'll be able to see if someone approaches your home.   Trimmed bushes would also make it harder for the abuser to hide in the bushes without being seen by a passerby or neighbor.
  • Change your phone number.  Ask the telephone company to make your new number unlisted in the phonebook. Call the telephone company to request caller ID and to block unlisted calls so that you can see the number of anyone who calls you.  Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call someone else no one will learn your new, unlisted phone number.
  • Explain your situation to anyone who takes care of your children or anyone who picks them up from school.  If the abuser is not allowed to be near the children, let these people know this and even give them a copy of your restraining order.
  • Take a different route to the grocery store, bank, restaurants, and any other place you go on a regular basis or find new ones to go to if you can. When you're taking the children to school, take different routes.  Avoid the route you took when you and the abuser were together.
  • Try not to travel alone.  Stay in public, well-lit places as much as you can. Avoid walking or jogging alone.
  • Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times, if you have one. Let friends, neighbors and employers know that you have a restraining order in effect and to let you know if they see the abuser around your home or work.  Give them a picture of your abuser if they don’t know what they look like. Give copies of your restraining order to your neighbors, employers and your children's schools.  Also give them a picture of the abuser.
  • If you feel that it would not negatively affect your job, you might want to tell people you work with about the situation.  See if a receptionist or someone else can screen your calls. If you can, change the hours that you work. 
  • Remember that you can call law enforcement if the abuser violates your restraining order.  If you don’t have a restraining order, you can still call the police if the abuser comes to your home uninvited.
  • Carry a cell phone if you can, but don't completely depend on this phone.  Cell phones may not get good service in some places, and batteries do run out. If you need help in a public place, yell "FIRE!"  People respond more quickly to someone yelling "fire" than to any other cry for help.
  • Stay in touch with Grace Smith House for support.
  • Get a full check-up with your doctor to see if you need any medical treatment.  Keep in mind that the abuser may not have been faithful and so you may want to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Safety Planning for Victim Stalking

Our thanks to womenslaw.org for compiling the following. Information adapted, in part, from Safe Horizon: What should I do if I am being stalked?  and in part from PrivacyRights.org.

• Stop all contact and communication with the person stalking or harassing you, but keep any evidence of the stalking (such as voicemails, texts, emails, etc., for future court cases or criminal actions).  Responding to the stalker's actions may reinforce and/or encourage their behavior.

• Carry a cell phone with you.  Keep handy or memorize emergency phone numbers that you can use in case of an emergency.  If you ever feel you are in immediate danger, call 911.  You may also be eligible for a free phone with free minutes from a phone company such as the Assurance Wireless Program, sponsored by Virgin Mobile (Grace Smith House is not affiliated with this program).

• Trust your instincts.  If you feel uncomfortable for any reason, you may want to reach out for help, even if nothing immediately dangerous is happening.

• Have a safe place in mind to go to in an emergency.  You might go to a police station, place of worship, public area, the home of a family member or friend (unknown to the stalker), or a domestic violence shelter.  If someone is following you, it is generally not a good idea to go home.*

• Try not to travel alone.  If you run or walk for exercise, you might want to get an exercise buddy to go with you.  Always vary your routes to and from work or school, the grocery store, and any other places regularly visited.  By changing your daily routes, it could make it more difficult for someone to learn your routine – however, also be aware that a stalker may put a GPS monitoring device on your car or cell phone.  One hint that a GPS device may be installed is if you are varying your routes or going to unexpected places but the stalker still seems to find you. 

• Be aware of how much identifying information you are posting on the Internet through social networking sites and online purchases.  You may want to select the highest security settings on any social networking accounts and think carefully before giving out your personal information through online purchases.

• Alert the three credit bureaus and ask to have a fraud alert put on your credit reports: Experian (888) 397-3742, Equifax (888) 766-0008, and TransUnion (877) 322-8228.   A stalker may try to obtain your Social Security number and/or mother's maiden name to use this information to obtain your credit information.  Putting an alert on your credit could help to prevent this and possible fraudulent activity and/or identity theft. 

• Alert your friends, neighbors, and apartment building personnel about your situation.  Give them as much information as you can about the stalker, including a photograph of them, and a description of any vehicles they may drive.  Ask them to notify you or call the police if they see the stalker at your house.

• Keep your address confidential whenever possible.  If the stalker does not know your current address, you may want to register for your state’s address confidentiality program, which will allow you to use an alternate address for public records (such as the DMV, Board of Elections, etc.).   When giving a mailing address for bills, magazines, and shipments, consider using a post office box or an address unknown to the stalker (such as a relative of yours).  Not using your actual address whenever possible could make it harder for a potential stalker to find you on the Internet.  You may even want to get the post office box at least two zip codes away from your home and use it on all correspondence and even your checks.

• Tell friends and neighbors not to give your address or phone number to anyone.  Explain that they should not even give information to someone posing as a delivery person or mail carrier even if this person says they have a package for you – this could be the stalker.

• Don't put your name on the list of tenants on the front of your apartment building.  Use a variation of your name that only your friends and family would recognize.

• Identify escape routes out of your house.  Plan different routes in case the stalker is in front of your home, in the backyard, or if they enter the home.

• Pack a bag with important items you'd need if you had to leave quickly, such as a reserve set of credit cards, identification, money, medication, important papers, keys, and other valuables.  Put the bag in a safe place, or give it to a friend or relative you trust.  Consider, too, putting together a separate bag that includes a stalking log, a camera, information about the offender, etc., that you can easily grab if you have to leave the house in a hurry.

• Install solid core doors with dead bolts at your house or apartment (solid core doors are sturdier than hollow doors).  If all of your sets of keys cannot be accounted for, you may want to change the locks (and secure the spare keys) in case the stalker managed to get a set of your keys.  If you are being stalked by a person who lives with you, check with a lawyer before changing your locks.  Fix any broken windows or doors and consider getting an alarm system put in that will signal the police if the alarm is triggered.  Note: If you rent your apartment/house, you may have to get the landlord’s approval before making changing the locks, putting in an alarm, etc.

• Get a new, unlisted phone number and/or block your phone number. If you are getting unwanted phone calls, you may want to change your phone number and keep it unlisted.  For additional safety, you may also want to ask the phone company to block your number so it won’t show up on calls you make.  Please be aware that blocking is not 100% effective and programming glitches can sometimes mistakenly reveal blocked numbers.

• Tell co-workers, schoolmates and on-site security staff enough about your situation so that they can help keep your information private and help keep you safe.  Give them as much information that you are comfortable sharing about the stalker, including a photograph and a description of any vehicles they may drive.  Ask them to notify you or call the police if they see your stalker. If you are worried that by alerting people at your workplace about the stalking may put you in danger of being fired or may affect how your supervisor treats you, you may want to first check with a lawyer to see if your state has any laws that protect victims of domestic violence/stalking from discrimination in the workplace. 

• Tell co-workers and schoolmates not to give out any information about you to anyone.  Ask the school administrator or the office staff at your job to make a notation in your file so that this is clear to any new staff members who have access to your personnel files.

• If you have a car, always park in a well-lit area.  Ask a security guard at work or school to walk you to your car or, if you are taking public transportation at a nearby location, perhaps the security guard may even walk you to the nearest bus/subway/train station.

• For many people, reporting all incidents and threats to the police immediately is an important part of staying safe.  (However, for some people, such as undocumented immigrants living in a county where the police may report them to Immigration, this may not be a safe alternative.) When making reports to the police, keep a note of the name of the officer in charge of the case and the crime reference number, if applicable.  You can also ask for a copy of the police report that is filed.

• Create a stalking log, which records the date and time of each incident as the incidents occur, what the stalker did or said, what actions, if any, you took and who was present.  Ask witnesses to write down what they saw and get the witnesses’ contact information (name and phone number) in case you need the police or prosecutor to later talk to the witness.  The Stalking Resource Center has a sample stalking incident log that you can print out as a guide.

• Save evidence of stalking / harassment.  Keep all voicemails, text and email messages sent by the stalker.  You can get hard copies of text messages by forwarding them to an email address and printing them out or you may be able to take a screenshot of the text or email. If you cannot take screenshots on your phone (if you don’t have a “smart phone,” another options may be to take actual photos or videos of the cell phone screen with the text message on it.  If you don’t have a camera, you could be to take the phone to the police and ask them to photograph the text messages or document them in another way.  Some people may be inclined to try to show the messages to the judge on the actual phone but this may mean that the phone itself may be taken into evidence and kept during the court proceedings, thereby taking the phone away from you.

• Consider getting a protective order against the person stalking you.  Most states allow you to apply for a protective order based on stalking if the stalker is an intimate partner.  Some states allow you to apply for a protective order based on stalking even if the stalker is not an intimate partner.  If you do get a protective order, carry a copy of it with you at all times.  However, please remember even restraining orders do not always prevent stalking from escalating into violence.  Continue planning for your safety in other ways as well. Call Grace Smith House’s 24-hour hotline to speak with our trained staff and set up a personalized safety plan.

Safety In Rural Areas

If you live in a rural area or a small town, there are a few extra things to keep in mind when you're creating a safety plan.
  • It may take police and sheriffs a long time to get to you.
    • If you call the police, get to a safe place to wait for them to arrive.  You may want to go to the home of a trusted friend or neighbor, or to a public place you think is safe.
    • If you decide to leave the abuser, think about leaving your area, at least for a little while.  Think about it even if you get an Order of Protection.
  • There may not be any buses, taxis, or other types of public transportation available near where you live, and the abuser may keep you from using the car.  If you do not have access to a car, and you need to get out of the home to stay safe, you may want to:
    • Make a plan with a trusted friend who can give you a ride whenever you need one.
    • See if your local sheriff's office or police department can help escort you out of the home to get to a safe place.
    • See if any local churches, synagogues or spiritual groups can connect you with someone (either a staff member or a parishioner) who would be willing to drive you. 
  • If you live in a town where hunting is popular, the abuser may be more likely to have guns and other weapons in the home (or have access to them) than an abuser who lives in a city.  The New York State Division of Criminal Justice estimates that a victim of domestic violence is 2,000 more times to be killed if there is a gun in the house. Read about Federal Gun Laws and State Gun Laws.  There may be laws that would prohibit the abuser from having access to any firearms, including ones designed for hunting.
    • Know where guns, knives, and other weapons are.  If you can, lock them up or make them as hard to get to as possible.
    • Figure out "safe places" in your home – the places where there aren't weapons.  If it looks like the abuser is about to hurt you, try to get to a safe place.  Stay out of the kitchen, garage, workshop or other areas where there are weapons within arm’s reach
  • If you live, work and/or spend time in isolated areas where neighbors and passersby cannot see or hear what is going on, this could increase the danger level.
    • Try to stay away from isolated areas whenever you can.  (We recognize that if you live or work in an isolated area, there may not be an easy way to change this.)
    • Travel in groups whenever possible.  If you can, have someone in charge of paying attention to safety and what's going on around you.
    • Consider leaving the area, at least for a little while.  Consider doing so even if you get an Order of Protection.
    • Carry a cell phone if you can, but don't count on it too much.  Cell phones may not get good service in some places, and batteries do run out.  Ask your local domestic violence organization if they give out cell phones and try to get one to have as a back-up phone.  Have emergency numbers like 911 on speed dial.  If you are of low economic means, you may qualify for a free phone with free monthly minutes from a phone company such as the Assurance Wireless Program, sponsored by Virgin Mobile (Grace Smith House is not affiliated with this program).
  • Safe places, like a friend's house or a shelter, may be far away.
    • If you have access to a car, try to always have a full tank of gas in case you need to get to a far-away place in a hurry.
    • If you live in an especially cold place, keep cold weather clothing (like a hat, scarf, and jacket) in an easy-to-reach place for you and your children, so that you can quickly have access to them if you need to flee.  If you can, keep them in your car.
    • Be aware of where neighbors live along the road in case you ever need to pull the car over and run to a neighbor for help.
  • If your community is very small, the domestic violence shelter location may not be confidential.
    • Be aware that the abuser and other people may know where the shelter is and so you cannot let your guard down when entering and exiting the shelter.
    • Think about going to a shelter outside of the area where you live, even if it's only for a little while.
    • If you go to a local shelter, you may want to cover your car with protective car-cover.  This can help keep the abuser and other people from seeing your car from the street while it is parked in the parking lot.
  • The abuser may be well-known and well-liked in the community and may be in a position of power, such as a police officer or court employee.
    • Try to speak with a neutral and trusted friend or family member and make a plan to leave with him/her if you feel unsafe calling the police.
    • Work with a domestic violence advocate at Grace Smith House who can navigate the legal system with you.
    • Although gathering and keeping evidence of the abuse, including text messages, pictures, and emails, is important in any situation, it may be even more important in situations in which the abuser is in a position of power within the community.  Especially in small communities where the abuser may be well-known and/or highly regarded, others in the community may put more weight on the abuser’s word over yours; having tangible (concrete) proof of the abuse may help to prove your allegations.

Internet & Social Media Safety

Please note that computer use can be monitored by an abuser, and there are ways for an abuser to access your email and to find out what sites you have visited on the Internet.  It is impossible to completely clear all data related to your computer activity. 
 
If you are in danger, please use a computer that the abuser cannot access (such as a public terminal at a library, community center, or domestic violence organization), and call Grace Smith House at (845) 471-3033 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE for help.
 
Email Safety
  • If you share an email account with the abuser, they will be able to read any of the emails in your account.
  • If you use a Web-based email program like Gmail or Yahoo, your email account may be visible to someone who visits those websites on your computer unless you properly log out.  Just closing your browser is not enough - you must first log out of your account to make sure that when the abuser goes to the email programs website, your personal account information won’t be on the screen.
  • If you use of one these Web-based email programs, the abuser may be able to access your email account if they knows your email address and password.  Some people's computers save their email address and password for them.  If your computer has your email address and password saved, anyone with access to your computer can read your email.
  • If you use a computer-based email program like Outlook, Outlook Express, Eudora or Apple Mail, anybody who has access to your computer can read your email.
  • If the abuser knows your email address, remember to not open any email attachments sent from the abuser and to not reply to an email sent by the abuser using your new email account, as these actions may let the abuser install spyware on your computer and track your email messages.
  • Most computers have a function called "AutoComplete," which stores information you've typed on your computer in the past.  For example, if AutoComplete is turned on, when you go to type something into a search engine such as Google, a pop-up box will appear and list the things you've searched for in the past.  (You may also see this pop-up box when entering your credit card information or your address into an online form.)  If you have AutoComplete turned on, the abuser may be able to access your email account even if you haven't told them your email address or password.
  • If you're not sure whether the abuser has access to your email account, for your safety it's best to act like they do, and avoid sending emails you wouldn't want them to see.
  • Make sure you have a password the abuser will not be able to guess.  Pick a password that does not contain obvious information (such as your name, birthday, Social Security number, pet's name, etc.), which the abuser could guess.  It may also be a good idea to change your password regularly.  If you are not sure how to change the password on your email account, you can likely find that information by going to “help” or “?”.
  • Do not write your password down.  Make sure you change your computer settings so that it does not save your username (email address) and password.  Your computer may ask you if you want to save your username and password after you enter it.  Make sure to click on "no."
  • To send and receive emails that you do not want others to see, you may want to set up an alternate email account that the abuser doesn't know about.  There are a number of free, Web-based e-mail services that you can use.  When signing up for a new email account, do not use any of your real identifying information if you wish to remain private and anonymous.  Here is a list of a few free, web-based email programs. Keep in mind that the abuser may still be able to read your email if you create a new account if you do not log out properly or if you choose a password that they can guess or find.  The safest way to use a new email address is from a computer that the abuser does not have any access to.
  • You should print and save any threatening or harassing email messages the abuser sends you, as they may be used as evidence of their abuse in court or with the police.  To be able to prove that the abuser sent these messages, you may have to print out the messages with the “header,” which shows the account information of the sender of the email. Threatening or harassing emails may also be a basis for a restraining order against the abuser
 
Internet Safety
  • It’s good practice to assume that anything you put on the Internet can be seen.  However, even information that you have not entered into a website yourself can show up on the Internet - for example, if you have a magazine subscription or if you donate to a political campaign, your personal information can be accessed on the Internet.  Despite privacy settings, computer hackers and computer spyware can potentially access your information. 
  • A good test to find out how searchable you are on the Internet is to search your own name (using a search engine such as Google) and see what comes up.  If you have a common name, try modifying your search by including some basic information like your city or high school.  If you find articles or images about yourself, you may try to contact the administrator of the website and ask that s/he remove them although there is no guarantee that the website administrator will honor your request.
 
Social Media Safety
  • For any account that you create, use a strong password that no one could figure out and keep it private. 
  • Limit the amount of identifying information you use, like your birth date, address, full name, etc. (This step can also help prevent identity theft.)
  • Be careful about what you post!  Consider the articles you post to your profile, the pictures you put in an online album, or any status updates that indicate where you are at the moment (such as "checking in" at a restaurant) or where you are headed (such as a vacation destination).  These types of posts can reveal a lot about you: your interests, your whereabouts, and your future plans, which can lead to someone finding you.
  • Log out of your account by clicking “log out” after each session on your social media page.  Do not simply close the browser, as it does not always log you out of your account, which would then be viewable by any other user of the computer.
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